On social media, I have been posting some unpolished and unedited poetry, singing, and piano flows. It’s not a perfectly wrapped and up to industry standard quality of any of the above. For what it is, it’s not meant to be. It is meant to be a tool for exploring all the parts of myself that I hide, for being raw, for discovery, for overcoming fears around self-expression, and ultimately for healing and evolving into more of myself.
My goal is not to create for the aversion of judgment or the induction of pleasure to external ears. My goal, or rather my intention is to find excitement, joy, and love in its creation. Because no matter how hard you try to create for other’s pleasure, there will be those who judge you. I know I don’t want to spend my time hating myself because I don’t fit into other people’s conditioned standards of what I should be, of what is acceptable (the same standards they put on themselves that make them feel inadequate).
I want to be free, real, and authentically expressing my internal experience: my truth.
Here is a video of an “imperfect flow,” a meditative exploration of expression that inspired this substack post:
How you engage in the creation process is an energetic reflection of how you live your life.
Finding Value In Imperfection:
I have been facing major resistance when it comes to structuring myself creatively.
I’ve unlocked the flow, meaning I can sit down at almost any point and flow into song poetry, etc… (the flowy things). I love it there… it’s my favorite place to be, that’s where I feel most intimately connected to the Creator: It’s a good-feeling place.
I believe participating fully in creation through creating is the access point to your passion; A fulfilling life is filled with the love of being able to create and the love for Creation itself. Recognizing the process of creation and the creation itself as one.
But when it comes to polishing and editing and making my flow into something “good,” completed, and packaged, I have experienced major resistance.
I want to get curious about this. Perhaps I’m still blinded by my own fears and insecurities, but I’m finding the way through (writing this and sharing my song flows are a large part of it).
It’s the sharing of what I define as imperfect, bad, not worthy.
In the sharing of it, I challenge the notion that it is unworthy.
I give it room to breathe and be seen and be as it is.
It is freeing me and perhaps those who view it too, at least, that is my intention.
This is how I find value in my (i’m)perfection.
Finding value in my imperfection and lack of structure allows it to be. When I don’t resist it— something loosens, ah yes: the grip of perfectionism.
And finally, I am allowed to be messy and unstructured. I no longer fight against this. I stop the upward eternity climb of perfection. Something is allowed to settle inside me. I become free to explore and play, fully present and unconcerned with the outcome.
This piece of art doesn’t have to be societally defined as successful? Phew, what a relief. I get to create my own definition of success: I think the amount of peace and alignment that I’m feeling is a great meter for it.
I know that wrapped in the love and respect for what wants to be created— this exploration and play will lead to structuring. I’d rather structure through exploration and play rather than through the guise of perfectionism (aka mental dictatorship).
Imperfect, undone creations. Who’s to say it’s not done? Who’s to say it’s not exactly what it’s supposed to be? Only the artist would know anyway. And what the artist creates may even be a mystery unraveling to the artist themself.
The first obstacle, Defining Good:
My definition of good is based on societal standards of good. It’s based upon a societal consensus that I mistake for objectivity. Society’s mainstream views are still subjective, even though many people are on board with a judgment about something, it doesn’t mean that they have not fallen prey to a limiting perception. For example, beauty standards are varied throughout different cultures and eras. What happens is that we get stuck within a mental framework we have adopted of what “good output” looks like.
Then we get into our heads about it, about what we should create or how we should express ourselves. This is what has led modern society to be largely inauthentic. Walking around we see people not embracing what is real for them: What their real expression is. They are not being themselves. Through not being themselves they are restricting the creative life force available to them.
Instead of embracing what is real for them, they embrace the framework of “good output”: of what expression they can choose that will most likely be accepted and thus lead them to advantageous results. This is a way of life dictated by an external compass of how people perceive you: a fear-based survival mechanism. It is not who you are. Who you are happens when you take off all the gunk of what you are supposed to be. Who you are happens when you just be.
Posting My Flows:
I’ve been posting my singing and poetry flows to social media and it’s been a viscerally challenging experience. I have observed my nervous system desperately attempting to protect me from embarrassing myself. I’ve captured the experience in this video:
(I still feel a giant cringe at the thought of rewatching this.)
Honestly… posting on Instagram is the scariest one of them all because it’s the most visible to my closest social circles and most identified with my personality and social image.
To sum it up: It’s incredibly uncomfortable sharing what I create because of the belief that it is incredibly imperfect, embarrassing, and downright subpar. Perhaps you subscribe to this belief too. Perhaps when you watch a reel of me singing you feel cringe because “it’s not what a good output (song in this case) is supposed to be.” That it’s only worth sharing if it matches the societal definition of a “good output.” That it’s only worth creating if it is admired by the masses.
I mean it’s like saying I shouldn’t be sharing myself singing, being creative, expressing my emotions, and playing unless it is perfectly polished for the viewing eye, for the consumer. This subconscious cultural belief creates an environment in which people are not willing to play as much—so as not to go out of bounds and risk social ridicule.
I have found that this belief prevents exploration, play, innovation, and healing.
Sharing these imperfect videos is my way of healing and my path of returning to a natural state of Creator-ship.
And I have found a way to become alright (maybe not ecstatic just yet) but alright with being the person in your story that can be labeled as a “bad artist,” or a “bad singer,” etc…
Yet I’m sweating as I write this.
The question remains (the insecurity, the doubt): Have I got it all wrong?
And if I have, so what?
This pathway of healing that I’ve found for myself feels really really good, aligned— and this is what matters. I know that if I keep following this feeling of alignment I will be exactly where I need to be. It will help me break through my discomforts about structure and form and help me occupy a more embodied state of empowered conscious creation.
Here, I share my process.
And maybe it frees up something in you too, maybe it makes you uncomfortable: Whatever you feel is perfect right now.
I’m feeling very nervous about posting this due to my fear of getting it wrong and completely missing the mark.
It’s messy and perfect all at the same time.
There are a lot of ideas out there about a bunch of things, lots of advice giving, but who are you listening to in the end?
Clear your slate and find what it is that you actually want.
Follow the thread of your excitement and allow more life to be felt and expressed through you— this is how we bring more love into this world, and at our core, this is what we all want.
“I am on the right path because I am the path” —Bashar